Life is change, or so they say. I don’t usually notice the change, though. Things seem exactly what they are supposed to be, for good or ill. If it’s different from before, does that matter as much? Maybe we only notice the change when it does matter. The more we notice, the more important the change is, however small.
The Feast of Lights ended last night. I don’t know if it will be my last. The last time I thought I’d never be in the Feast of Lights again, I was wrong. It seems fitting that this second Final Feast is even less certain to be Final at all. Things were different this time. I enjoyed myself and I noticed things were different, but it seemed that things were right, too. There was more sorry and heartbreak this year. But that made the joy deeper and richer when I sought for it. I think I could have done more of that, though.
The first time the Feast ended for me in 1999, I cried afterwards. I felt the emptiness immediately. I was four months from graduating from college and seeing my life change forever. That last night of Feast was a herald of terrible and fantastic things to come. I remember telling a friend, we’ll call her Kat (that’s what I called her then, too), about that and finding comfort in her friendship and understanding.
This time around, there isn’t emptiness. There is loneliness, but that has nothing at all to do with the Feast except in maybe not seeing certain friends again for a while. There is peace and that has everything to do with the Feast, but nothing at all at the same time. The peace comes from some where else and the Feast is it’s gateway into me. But the peace is mingled now with the loneliness and both are richer and deeper and full of a texture I can not easily describe.
My year has been blessed and life is good. But things are not as I would have them and for that, I feel lonely, of all things to feel. But there is little to be done today, and so I feel at peace knowing that things are as they are. They will change when they will and I will write my role in that. For now, there is joy to be found in the experience of an uneasy peace.