I’m back and am looking forward to posting more often once again. However, I think it’s odd that the most hit post in the last week is about elephant sex (as viewed by George Bush, no less). Are there just sick people in the world?
I’m not sure what to expect today as I return to the daily routine of my life. Most folks seem to have reacted to my grandma dying as though I’m struggling in much the same way they did when their grandmother (or similar family member) died. I don’t fault anyone for this, projection is a natural tendency. I do it all the time, in fact.
But it makes for awkward times and a bit of guilt to battle down. One the one hand, I find myself helping the other person with their lingering grief more often than dealing with whatever exists of my own. On the other hand, I feel a slight pang of guilt for not feeling as they do about the situation.
The guilt is entirely irrational and easily handled at this stage in my life. I’ve learned enough about myself to know how to manage my emotions a bit better and in a constructive fashion. The weirdness of consoling others, though, is tougher to handle. It’s been just over a week since she left us. I don’t think I’ve had much of a chance to reflect on what that means to me.
I did a little last night. We buried my grandmother yesterday morning. Before that, I had opportunity to see her in the casket (the graveside service was closed casket). I took the opportunity and vary between regret and gladness for doing so. I spent a lot of time last night talking to no one and everyone as I fell asleep about my thoughts from those brief moments that had etched themselves below the surface of my mind. About the duality of peace on her face and the lack of peace. The mysterious, silent, unmoving sleep. The way she was made to look alive, yet not.
It’s a funny thing. I know she wasn’t there. But so much effort was put into making it seem like she was there, the line between the two views has blurred. She was there, because we were there. At the same time, she wasn’t there because she is somewhere else now.