One of the things I “struggle” with, if that is a good way to put it, is understanding things. Not so much with being able to understand things, but in getting frustrated when I don’t and can’t get my head around it. I find it even more frustrating when it feels like there is just one or two bits of knowledge needed to make everything about whatever fit and suddenly I get it. That feeling of suddenly understanding something that I haven’t understood is glorious and calming.
I’ve found myself in a situation for a while that I don’t understand and in the frustrating way of feeling like there is just a little bit I need to know sitting just outside my reach. More so, in my frustration of not understanding, the paranoia of feeling like people around me get it just fine and have that last piece of information, but choose to keep me from it even deliberately misleading me, is easy to set in. I’ve been handling it largely well, though I didn’t realize until tonight that my problem is that I just don’t understand what is happening. I’m probably fine with it, but I don’t know why and it’s the why that crawls under the skin and itches inside where you can reach to scratch.
Luckily, tonight I learned something about myself and the situation as a whole. From experience, I know that will go along way to learning how to deal with not understanding. Though the specter that a few know the whole story and are keeping it from me for my own good or for the privacy of others in an X-Files style conspiracy still lurks (and likely is entirely in my head), it’s good to know a little bit more about why I feel the way I do sometimes.