Today’s battle is against thinking irrationally. There are things not going how I’d like them to go in some of my relationships and they seem to continue on that route no matter what I do, for good or ill.
Luckily, I’m not falling into some kind of hysteria and flashing back to earlier traumas in my life today.
This is a hard battle, though. Playing the role of victim, whether in truth or not, is an easy route. It’s like sugar for a damaged heart; it feels good, but too much all of the time just does more damage.
Jesus has been present, though. He has been hoping for me. I’ve had strong realizations in the last few days that God loves me. No reasons, no human beings acting it out for or towards me (though there have been people showing care for me), just the thought in my mind and heart. I don’t think I’ve ever realized that like this or for this long.
It’s never really mattered whether God loves me or not. Whether these people I love return that love has been what has mattered most, and it still does.
I think taking time to get to a point where God loving me is what matters most, or the only thing that matters, wouldn’t hurt.
UPDATE: It turns out today was a day for things to happen. I think I may have actually flashed back, in some sense, to something that happened to me in high school. I’m doing a little better now and feel that I’m mostly in reality for the moment.
Today was a day of feeling not only abandoned, but replaced, shunned, reviled, and in a general state of confusion as to whether I can trust my closest friend. All of that during a work day that just wouldn’t end.
And that was all above and beyond the questions about church.