Last night I dreamed about two things happening in the next couple of months that I’m rather excited about: my trip to London and the release of Halo 2. It was one dream, sort of, and what was interesting is that all of my friends were there. I’m going to London alone, but they were there. There is a small subset of my friends who play Halo, but they were all playing in my dream.
What was further shocking was who wasn’t there. One person in particular who doesn’t talk to me much any more and I only see twice a week, really. I will see this person today at some point, most likely, and these days when I do encounter them tend to be days where the reality of how much our friendship has changed in so short a time is quite literally in my face.
What’s stranger is that I’m relatively calm about the whole thing. Normally, the loss of a friend would be devastating. I’m not at all happy about it, but it seems somehow okay. I don’t know why we don’t talk anymore or why this person has drifted away in such a manner or why so few outside of the two of us even has an opinion, let alone an explanation. But something about this says to me, “This is how it goes. Now relax, for crying out loud.”
I don’t like losing friendships. I go to great lengths to save those which have been most important to me and this one ranked pretty high in my life. But I feel like the friendship has already passed and now I stand before a choice. Either to try and prevent a change that has already taken place or simply move on and put my attention towards what I do have and is growing in my life.
Seems pretty simple when I put it like that.
UPDATE: Something else that bothers me about this is not knowing whether this friendship was really as good as I thought it was. I have mentioned that to people and the disturbing thing is that I tend to get the blank-stare or grimmaced response that communicates that my other friends have actually known this all along, but never figured out a way to tell me and are glad that I finally realized it on my own. The problem with that is I have at least one friend who wouldn’t have an issue saying so to me. Someone having an opinion besides the blank-stare, even if it’s a wrong opinion, would be refreshing.
Also, it’s something I need to not think about at all, or at least not beyond idle speculation. It’s too easy to become the victim in ways I can’t be sure are inappropriate or otherwise since I really have very little idea of why this has all happened. I only know what has happened and that will need to be enough.