There are somethings that I don’t like about myself. One of them has come up several times in the last couple of weeks.
I’m really bothered by the fact that most people, generally women, tend to be more at ease with my roommate than they are with me. They remember things he is doing that concern him and ask about how they are going more. He’s found more approachable by most folks. Any number of things. There will always be people who are more liked or better at this or that, but it’s harder when one of them is also your best friend. (To note, he knows all about this, so it’s not like I’m going behind his back.)
But this all probably stems from a distinct lack of trust I have for people. I’m finding that I spend most of my time waiting to be left by everyone I hold dear, probably in a painful manner for me, but not necessarily so. I have some clues from my past as to why this is the case, but don’t have any clue what to do about it.
In Bible study tonight, we talked a bit about what was wrong with the world, then were given opportunity to think, and share if we felt comfortable, about what was wrong with us. I did not share, partly from not being entirely sure if I wanted to and also because so many others shared that we ran out of time. But there is a part of me that says I would have received healing from that time. There is another part of me that says I would have been laughed down, not taken seriously, or simply not listened to at all.
I wonder if it would really be any different if my roommate were on the scene. It would likely just be someone else in his place. The issue is still there. I can name it, but that has brought me no power over it.
So I’m trying to make an appointment for counseling. I’m was put on a three-week waiting list three weeks ago. Tomorrow will see me calling back to see where things are at because I need to talk to someone about this sooner rather than later.