Un-pissing

This isn’t some kind of reverse bodily waste management technique. Sickos.

For the last three days, I’ve been pissed off. About what I can’t say. Your guess is as good as mine.

Today was no better and it really affected things. My heart rate was up a bit, I was short with people all day long, my work quality suffered, and I felt like death warmed over. A pleasant experience for everyone, no doubt.

I feel much better now. Can’t say why any better than why I was pissed. Maybe it was three (drop-dead, why-aren’t-they-models, proof-that-God-exists-and-wants-us-to-be-happy) gorgeous women who were much more happy to see me than normally each on their own occasion this afternoon and evening. Maybe it was singing a beautiful piece of music conducted by its composer and finding that I was on the right track for his style, but still not even close to the depth he saw in the text. Maybe it was finishing off a box of Thin Mints. Maybe…

I think it’s okay to not know what’s made us angry. Part of me that likes to fix things so they don’t happen again. I think a lot of people are like that. No one likes to be angry or hurt and avoiding that takes a good bit of our time and energy.

I’ll take not being angry over knowing why I’m angry, though.

Figuring it Out

I don’t get asked very often if everything is OK or if there is something I need to talk about.  I mean the concerned, worried perspective that people sometimes get when they see odd things in their friends or family.  I take it as a good thing that I don’t hear this often.

I heard it twice today from two different people.

I think I’m OK and doing just fine, but make a point of stopping to take stock when something like this happens, just to be sure.  It wouldn’t be the first time I wasn’t doing well on some level without knowing.

I’ve been thinking lately about what brings fulfillment to my life.  I can either claim neutrality or say I’m proud of just about everything I do, but whether I feel fulfilled as a person from it is a different story.  Viewing my activities at church as service has been good, though difficult (who exactly am I serving?  is that who I should be serving?).  But I don’t find fulfillment there.  Music is fun and I love singing in the various groups I’m part of, but I don’t find fulfillment.  I love my job, but don’t find fulfillment in the things I do (though fulfillment at work would be icing on the cake rather than expected).

What am I doing that is fulfilling? Anything? Nothing? Am I doing things that are fulfilling but not receiving it? If I were, would people have asked if I was OK today (the root reason for even thinking about this, after all)?

Things for me to think about.

De-Stress

The Counseling Center at Texas Women’s University came up with 52 things to relieve stress.

A must read.  My favorite is number 14.  The hardest for me to do is also number 14.

The Friend Zone

I watch Scrubs every once in a while. It’s a great show. One in particular from years ago stuck in my mind, though. In this episode, the guy (I don’t remember any of their names) is after the girl who is waiting in some closet for him to arrive and have sex with her. The entire episode has a countdown clock going for no apparent reason until time runs out just before he shows up.

At this point, you see him open a door labeled “The Friend Zone” that leads to a room full of men who have supposedly been after this girl at some point in the past. They welcome him with smiles and, attaining full loser-ness in the eyes of the show, make comments like, “She’ll come around, really.” From this point on, it’s clear that the guy and girl will be good friends, but never anything more.

This doesn’t haunt me, but I do wonder with some girls I’ve been interested in if there was a point where we became friends to the point that we could never be anything but friends. The result has been that in recent years, I’ve backed off on cultivating a deeper friendship for fear that it would somehow hinder a romantic relationship.

I remembered something important this week, though. That was my first girlfriend back when I was in high school. We were great friends before we started dating. In fact, us being friends was a big part of the reason she started being interested in me at all. To this date, that relationship is the only one I’ve had to speak of (some folks who know me will add a second to that, but it was such a pitiful situation that it barely counts to me).

I’ve noticed a change this week after this realization. I’m relaxed again. I’m being myself again. I’m trying less to impress and more to just be (and if that impresses, there you are). And people respond. The girls do, but so does everyone. For the first time in months, there are people I talk with daily who have started to come to me instead of waiting for me to start the conversation. It says a lot to me about a friendship when the person on the other end makes an effort, however small, particularly if I’ve been the one making all of the effort.

I don’t know where this will lead, but I feel like I’ve rediscovered a part of who I am and what I believe that was dormant and hiding in a cloud of fear and worry. I don’t know how long it will last, if it ends at all. But I’ve had a good week because of it and hope to continue that as the days go on.

Anti-Socially Social

Not really, just playing around.  I’m back to my usual self today, or mostly.

What was interesting about yesterday was how many people equated anti-social with grumpy.  Enough people that I actually became grumpy from so many people asking why I was grumpy when I was just not feeling up for lots of people and conversation (at the start, at least).

It led me to think about how many times someone mentions that they aren’t doing well.  Instead of listening to how they describe their feelings, most of us tend to attach our own ideas of how we feel about how they are doing and treat them accordingly.  If someone is down, this is more likely to distance them than help.  If nothing else, we are showing them that we aren’t really listening to what they have to say.

When someone isn’t in a good place, listening is easily the most important thing we can do.

As for being anti-social, that isn’t by any stretch a bad thing.  For a day.  Maybe two.  Any longer and I’d get concerned, but sometimes people just need a break from other people.  Let’s not spin that back to them as a negative unless it really is that.

Socially Anti-Social

I’m having an anti-social day. The problem is that I’ve already broadcasted that in my various IM clients (and now here), so people know that I’m anti-social. The idea there was to avoid folks thinking I didn’t like them or something. I do, I’m just not up for a lot of “playing with others” today.

Does me broadcasting that make the anti-social day social again?

Thanksgiving Photos

I spent Thaknsgiving this year at St. Andrew’s Abbey in Valyermo, CA.  It was a wonderfully peaceful time lacking in noise and hunger and having plentious times of quiet, walking, photography, and disc golf.

Hope you all had an equally good holiday!

The Chinks of our Weakness

Something a friend mentioned this last weekend sparked an idea in my head. The remark was about temptation. The idea was slightly more complex.

My immediate thought afterwards was a kind of, “What else is new?” reaction. Temptation isn’t new by any stretch and we all deal with it in one form or another. Depending on the situation, it can be of great concern, though. Then I thought about my own dance with temptation and remembered that sometimes living the life you want to live is much harder than other times.

I remember a passage from The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. One of the ghosts in the story has a small dragon or lizard on his shoulder (I’d check exactly, but I’ve lent the book out to a friend). This creature represents the ghosts addictions while alive on earth and it is clear that the creature does not hold the best interests of its host at heart. Over the course of this ghost’s story, the offer to kill the creature comes to play. The pain and fear of resulting death impede the creature’s destruction at the hands of a being of light until a simple realization happens. Even death would be better than life with the creature. The being of light gives assurances that the ghost will not die (what a twist, a ghost afraid of death!) and the ghost agrees to be rid of the creature.

At this point, something marvelous happens. The creature, instead of dying, transforms into a bright horse that the ghost, now fully formed also as a being of light, rides in the glorious mountains of heaven.

It’s much more beautiful in the book than I write here. But it tells a simple lesson. Many of us live life thinking that our strengths and talents are that which give glory to God, whoever we claim faith in, or the universe at large. There’s no arguing that the beauty and goodness we are capable of certainly do give the Creator a good deal of credit.

The real deal, the brightest light in creation, comes from our weaknesses. On the one hand, they simply aren’t truly weaknesses. They are our shortcomings, but that matters little to to any higher power. Our weaknesses are just as much a means for the creation of something beautiful as our strengths. Our strength is the armor we put on each day. But in so putting on this armor, we also block the light that shines out from within. Our weaknesses are the chinks in the armor where things don’t quite fit together and the light within streams out in sharp beams.

Temptation is a hard thing. But it is a good thing. Temptations expose our weaknesses to us and show us the areas of our life where those chinks are waiting to be discovered. Temptations force us to confront our weaknesses, lay them bare, and open them to let the light shine all the better.

Transparency

Josh mentions that he doesn’t blog personal stuff while I and some other friends of his do. Particularly lately, I’ve been more transparent, but haven’t brought up many personal issues.

I’ve found, though, that as my transparency here increases, so does my willingness to open up the personal aspects of my life with friends when they ask. Just in the last day, I told two people about some stuff I’m dealing with, in greater than normal detail, that I wouldn’t have normally shared as much detail with. I’ve been cautious about sharing as sometimes, people just aren’t ready to hear much at once and I still don’t want to share some private thoughts with anyone who asks.

The result has been good, however. It’s good to talk about things 99% of the time anyway. And I’ve felt like I don’t let people in very much, so it’s good to see that this can change, however slightly.

What do you think helps you to remain open to the people who care about you?

What a Weekend

This was quite a busy weekend for me, in so many different ways. For one, there just a lot to do, just about all of it very fun. The concert last night was a big hit (you know you’ve done something amazing when the conductor is barely controlling himself at the end of the night). I saw The Mikado with friends Saturday night at Colton High School (well, done, CHS!), celebrated the dedication of a new baby, watched a movie, and so much else. I kind of like full weekends when they aren’t fully of work-ish stuff. It feels more like I had a weekend when I get back to Monday.

Some old issues popped up, though. I have a lot to think about and virtually no time to think about it in. Now that I’m done with choir for the time being, that should open up some hours in the week and some space mentally. I hope it is enough.

The meditation from Nouwen today has a good thought. He speaks of the pain of missing God in knowing the place He should be, but it mostly absent, or seemingly so. For the last few weeks, I’ve been doing a better-than-usual job of seeking for God’s presence in the midst of my life and relationships and what work is being done in that forest of lives I find myself if. Sometime this weekend or just before it (last Wednesday seems a good candidate for a day to mark), I started to lose sight of that. Today, when I try to look for it again, I see only empty spaces where God would fit not long ago. There is sadness in the missing, but also an excitement in knowing that He has changed shape to fit somewhere else and the adventure that will take place to find Him again. The pain and ache comes from having to move from the good that I know to the good I must trust is now elsewhere. And trust has never been one of my strong suits.

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