Lost in Translation

Some friends of mine and I watched Lost in Translation tonight. I had never seen it before and I must say that I quite enjoyed it, at least tonight. Though it isn’t the kind of movie that I would normally seek out. It’s rather minimalist, though not to the extreme that 2001 takes things, as far as dialogue goes. I appreciated having a film that broadened character interaction and development beyond speech.

I felt like this was a movie with characters that I could relate to. Both of the main characters are lost throughout the film. Either in relationships they don’t understand, a totally foreign culture, or within interactions with their own culture that don’t seem to apply to them in any way. It seemed to me that they both spent much of the film trying to reach out to the people they love but didn’t understand and having their loved ones not be able to communicate back. I can relate to that.

There are times I feel lost and drifting, trying to reach out but finding there’s no one to take hold of my hand and bring me back to solid ground.

One of My Issues

There are somethings that I don’t like about myself. One of them has come up several times in the last couple of weeks.

I’m really bothered by the fact that most people, generally women, tend to be more at ease with my roommate than they are with me. They remember things he is doing that concern him and ask about how they are going more. He’s found more approachable by most folks. Any number of things. There will always be people who are more liked or better at this or that, but it’s harder when one of them is also your best friend. (To note, he knows all about this, so it’s not like I’m going behind his back.)

But this all probably stems from a distinct lack of trust I have for people. I’m finding that I spend most of my time waiting to be left by everyone I hold dear, probably in a painful manner for me, but not necessarily so. I have some clues from my past as to why this is the case, but don’t have any clue what to do about it.

In Bible study tonight, we talked a bit about what was wrong with the world, then were given opportunity to think, and share if we felt comfortable, about what was wrong with us. I did not share, partly from not being entirely sure if I wanted to and also because so many others shared that we ran out of time. But there is a part of me that says I would have received healing from that time. There is another part of me that says I would have been laughed down, not taken seriously, or simply not listened to at all.

I wonder if it would really be any different if my roommate were on the scene. It would likely just be someone else in his place. The issue is still there. I can name it, but that has brought me no power over it.

So I’m trying to make an appointment for counseling. I’m was put on a three-week waiting list three weeks ago. Tomorrow will see me calling back to see where things are at because I need to talk to someone about this sooner rather than later.

What I’m Going Through This Week

Just a quick list of what I’m going through this week, some of which I can do something about, some of which I can’t.

An annual review that I am stressed about for the fact that it is my first.
Finding a new housemate.
Organizing meetings to find a new housemate.
A relationship that is confusing, at best, which has not been at it’s best the last three weeks for various, usually external, reasons.
My own role in injustice being made more clear by a still, small voice.
The re-evaluation of a house tradition.
A decided lack of sleep.

Lifting Fog

Have you ever had one of those moments when you feel a fog lift off or out of your head. Things become clearer or lighter. There is a kind of relaxation that happens so fast, you feel like you’ve been tense for years. And you’re left with the feeling like you’ve been in this fog for ages upon ages. Have you ever felt like that?

I just had such a moment. Just now. In my junior year of college, I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 and half years. Today, nearly five and half years after that day, it dawned on me that I haven’t seen Jennifer since that day. We spoke once or twice after that over the phone or email, but that has been it. I’ve just now realized how much she is not a part of my life anymore. But also the abrupt change that happened when we parted ways having shared so much life together already.

Very strange to have this happen today, so long after the fact.

Just an Update

Life seems to be plodding along for me. I feel as though I’m not really in a state of going anywhere, but at the same time I don’t feel as though I’m going nowhere. This is a first, maybe, for me. Sort of directionless directioned time of life, if that makes any sense.

The General Moving Ahead

The last few weeks have felt very much like being adrift on jello. Just hanging back, letting things come, but the things that come don’t change anything and don’t move anything around, they just sort of happen. I suppose this kind of stability is sought after, but I’m finding it rather boring.

More on Life

You know, I must say, that life is usually pretty good. I have great friends, all beautiful people in many different ways. I’m taken care of well in my job and the rest of my life. I have little to complain about, at least today.

That’s the interesting thing. Tomorrow something could happen that will give me much to complain about. That could even happen in the next five minutes for all I know. Joy is a fleeting thing 90% of the time.

But given that I’m usually a very cynical person, I take these moments of joy as best as I can, fleeting or otherwise.

Mood

May I always be in the mood that I’m in now. Where anger is seen as not worth the time or energy and things that would normally cause anger be seen as silly little things not worth the energy of being angry over, but very much worth laughing over. Better yet, I think I’ll make it a point to choose that anger is not worth it and it’s better to laugh than to get pissed off.

Something There

Today, I woke up and noticed that something was very different in my life, at least for now. I found myself much more calm than I usually am and at peace with things. I realized then that for the last while, I’m not really sure how long, I’ve just been angry. Angry that this didn’t work out my way or that this person didn’t return my feelings or that this other thing was taking too long to work out for better or for worse. Some of that may be justified, but some of it is not. For instance, harboring some kind of anger over someone not feeling for you as you think that they should. It is not our place to dictate what others feel or express in their lives and to be angry over that lack of ability is just plain stupid. As soon as I realized that a good deal of my anger was not justifiable, and even more to the point, so stupid that the amount of energy it took was laughable at best, it all sort of melted away.

I know that Jesus has some specific things to say about anger and I take them to heart. But what of anger that you don’t know about until it is gone? I hadn’t realized how angry I was until it had passed for whatever reason. I knew that something wasn’t quite right yesterday, but nothing more specific than that crossed my mind.

Beauty

Last night, July 11, I attended a birthday party for two good friends of mine. When I left, I found myself realizing that I had just been in the presence of great, but also harsh, beauty. Great because both of these people are simply that: beautiful. In appearance, yes, but also in ways that can matter more. Their hearts are joyful and capable of so much love and care, which I usually find them exuding but remember that they too are human and don’t always achieve such a state of being.

Harsh because of choices past, not to be brought to light here, that have left me with no category for appreciating this beauty in a way that is appropriate for friendship. My ideas of love and response to beauty have been twisted and maimed. To be in the presence of such beauty burns wounds that don’t quite know how to heal.