I’ve asked a large number of different people in the course of my existance to have lunch with me. More so in recent years, but still a lot of people. And a lot of lunch requests.
It would seem likely that many replies have been, “I’m too busy right now” as opposed to a simple yes or no. In my experience, however, being busy is often used as a shield to say no without the negative connotation (or, to put it another way, to say no “politely”).
How do I tell the difference? If the person is busy, but seeks to schedule for another time, they obviously aren’t saying no. If they never bring it up again and quietly forget that lunch was ever asked about, they really meant to say no (which isn’t at all polite and doesn’t really spare anyone’s feelings but theirs, for the record).
Here’s the question. Am I right? Whether I continue to pursue a growing friendship with someone doesn’t exactly hang in the balance of me being right about this, but close. So I need a bit of advice. (For reference, it’s a girl. No romantic interest to speak of, but mostly from not knowing each other well enough to know, at least from my end. That said, I’ve gotten the “I’m too busy” answer for “No” from men and women equally.)
More to come if I get a response at all.
UPDATE: There’s also the “what have I got to lose” approach. Particularly since there really isn’t anything to lose. That is to say letting them know that “I’m too busy” means picking a later date when they, presumably, wouldn’t be busy. This, of course, puts more trust in the person actually being too busy (which I have trouble doing, explaining the premise of this post).
Also worth noting is that I probably say I’m too busy to lots of things where I would be more honest in saying no. I don’t hold myself exempt from the behavior, but do find it frustrating.
3 Comments
Okay, I read this and about halfway through thought to myself that I just had to comment. Not that I have anything really poignant to offer, but here goes. Ask her again. If she says that she is too busy (again), make it clear that you really want to have lunch and ask her if she can provide you with a date or several that would work better for her. You might want to find out what one of her favorite restaurants is and drop its name into the lunch invitation. It would be a kind and generous way of letting her know that you are paying attention to her. However, when asking her for dates that might work better, you’ll have to be insistent without appearing to be needy or like you’re stalking her.
On another note, Matt and I are off on the 22nd and would love to have lunch with you whenever. (I’m assuming the 26th through January 8th is fine). We have no plans as of currently, so whatever day works for you will be perfect for us.
Or you might want to try asking her along with a few other people so it doesn’t communicate the wrong idea. She might be acting cautious because she doesn’t know you that well. Plus people, I’ve found, are much more willing to come along for lunch for the first time if it’s not a one-on-one thing (unless it’s your pastor or something). You can still get to know her (as long as it’s only one to two other people coming with you), but it will make it a little more casual and less intimidating.
FYI there’s a chance that I might show up at the ESRI Cafe on certain Wednesdays. My co-worker LOVES mongolian BBQ and we just found out that they do a really stellar one. hint hint
We’ve had lunch in groups quite a bit and get along well. We’ve also spent a good bit of time chatting just the two of us, so a lunch alone doesn’t seem like a huge stretch. Actually, we’re probably closer than many people I have lunch with regularly, but that may just be me.
That said, I can still see where there could be intimidating just from the gender differences alone.
Thanks for the tips, both of you!
Post a Comment