Today, I woke up and noticed that something was very different in my life, at least for now. I found myself much more calm than I usually am and at peace with things. I realized then that for the last while, I’m not really sure how long, I’ve just been angry. Angry that this didn’t work out my way or that this person didn’t return my feelings or that this other thing was taking too long to work out for better or for worse. Some of that may be justified, but some of it is not. For instance, harboring some kind of anger over someone not feeling for you as you think that they should. It is not our place to dictate what others feel or express in their lives and to be angry over that lack of ability is just plain stupid. As soon as I realized that a good deal of my anger was not justifiable, and even more to the point, so stupid that the amount of energy it took was laughable at best, it all sort of melted away.

I know that Jesus has some specific things to say about anger and I take them to heart. But what of anger that you don’t know about until it is gone? I hadn’t realized how angry I was until it had passed for whatever reason. I knew that something wasn’t quite right yesterday, but nothing more specific than that crossed my mind.

This disturbs me somewhat. I am capable of being angry without knowing it necessarily and have my day-to-day actions shaped by that unknown anger. How is one to deal with a foe that you don’t know is there until it has left or been defeated somehow? I’m sure that I will be angry again. I am human, it’s part of the package to not always be at peace. And you can’t throw Jesus at me, he got royally pissed at least once. I suppose prayer is one way, but that seems like a difficult vigil to keep today.